I don't know if I really want to do this and publish it to the world but I feel like only producing positive, glossy blogs about how I've overcome problems with anxiety doesn't give a real reflection of mental health issues. It might make people think that it sounds so easy for me and not for them. It doesn't paint the full picture and I don't think that can fully help people and that's what I want to do, so i'm going to give this a try. Afterall most self help books and courses or even counciling come from people who have been there and come out the other side so to speak. You don't get many in real time.
Its hard to blog when you are negative and down. It's hard to do anything, even lift your head off the pillow but im going to try and write. The fight against thoughts, anxiety and mental illness isn't easy. it's real. At the moment I am struggling a bit.
There is one undeniable truth in life. One thing that is constant. You can not switch off your brain. Not possible. Although I really wish I could sometimes.
I started this blog at 4am the other morning. I don't really know what's up and why I can't sleep. I have a few ideas of what has triggered this over the past few weeks as I have a lot going on, but all in all I have been happy and in control. Now, I feel out of control. Not in a scary, wild kind of out of control kind of way, but I don't feel like I am in control of whats going on with my mind.
I feel really, really stressed. I woke up at 2am and my mind is still whirling on. I have a terrible headache behind my eyes that's been there for days and im mulling over everything and anything.
I feel like a faluire. All the blogs I've written and things I tell my friends and here I am; the over thinking hypocrite. Thing is, at this moment in time I can't think straight to think what I'm suppose to do to stop thinking! I'm too busy trying to think about why im over thinking and what it is that I cant put my finger on that's making me feel so bad. I feel like inside my brain there's a thick metal box that's stopping me from accessing anything of any use. I can not make it go away and the harder I try the worse it gets.
A couple of days on and I still feel rubbish. I've done meditation and distraction techniques and I've been out with my friends and family. I've listened to music and done yoga but I still feel really down and lack motivation to do anything. I know I should do some exercise as this makes me feel better but I just can't seem to get myself there. I am in a bit of a hole and although I keep trying to claw my way out of it, I keep slipping back down.
So that's where I'm at right now. You may get nothing from reading this as it may sound like some out of control ramblings from someone that's not all there. But I just wanted to write something down that captures real anxiety. Something maybe other people are feeling and that people can relate to.
There are some things now, in the middle of a bad patch that are very different for me now to what they were eight or so years back before I was first diagnosed with acute anxiety.
One thing is that I know what's happening. Some people may be experiencing this for the first time. When the sleepless nights and over thinking that led to serious depression first started for me I was scared as I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know it was an illness.
My family and friends can also see when I am not myself and I have the unfaltering support of these people, who help wherever they can and know what to do and what not to do to help.
It's good now that more and more is being done now to raise awareness of mental health so that people don't feel so alone, even when you are trapped in your own mind with self doubt.
The resoundingly wonderful thing that is different for me now is that, all apart from in my darkest moments (which don't last so long and don't feel as low), I know, without a doubt that things will and do get better!! That is what you need to know if you are in the same place as me right now or somewhere worse. Things do get better. They might get worse again but they do get better. I'm not saying that your life is suddenly going to have no problems and all your wildest dreams are going to come true and I'm not saying that's its going to be easy either.
The key is to change the way you think and your mindset. Change the way that you look at problems and set backs. To learn how to be more confident in yourself and be more positive.
Realising that you can't just take a magic pill to change everything and that you really have to work at it was a massive wake up call for me and has literally been the best thing to ever happen along this journey.
The things I've written about and will write about in my blogs will help, When you're low you don't want to do them but as soon as you feel the strength to try something just do a bit. tiny steps, even if you only do five minutes, it's good. Do your best. At the end of the day, it has to be you who helps yourself. No one else can do it for you.
The message I'm hoping to get across in this blog is that bad times do happen when your living with a mental illness but you're not alone and even with the best intentions it can still come along and bite you in the arse. Just know that's it's not your fault and you're doing your best. That's all anyone can ask.
FEEL LIKE YOU NEED SERIOUS HELP Click here to get through to NHS helplines
OR YOU COULD VISIT THE FOLLOWING WEBSITES
TIME TO CHANGE